love in the hour.
today’s dish: a bowl of chocolate ice cream.
today’s song: I Go All To Pieces- Ray Lamontagne
i know the dish is bland, but the song is excellent. needed something cold and soft against my throat.
before i get into the crazy of this post, i just want to say that having j-stone here earlier was awesome- such a good friend. love that boy forever.
i just got back from the emergency room a little while ago…..it’s pretty disturbing. generally, i would really rather prefer going to any sort of doctor by myself- a lot of people get emotional when it comes to things like this. that just makes me feel more like crap, because now there’s someone crying and i’m attached to an IV so i can’t console them nor can i run away screaming. tonight, i was alone in the ER, and i didn’t actually want to be.
maybe it’s because of the pain? i don’t like being around people when i’m feeling under the weather….sort of like dogs get. don’t touch me, don’t look at me. sometimes it’s good though. sunday night, i was feeling pretty ouchariffic, but i still went to merry happy’s apartment to make burracos with her and j. it was easy to conceal the pain, as we were packed like sardines on the couch, but standing up in the kitchen, i could feel the color drain from my face. this is the strange part-
so, standing up for more than ten minutes goes over my pain threshold. muffin had come in the door and we stood around the kitchen some more. however- when muffin hugged me, it felt like i was in a lot less pain. in a fit of delirium, i thought it was some weird negative energy transfer, and when she said she had felt migrainey and it seemed to be getting worse, i felt terrible. deliriously terrible. but i noticed it again when merry happy and i were sitting on the couch later, as well. the hugging meant less pain.
it is difficult to discuss this right now, as the pain is significantly greater, and my lymph nodes are swollen as all get out. i keep telling them i don’t want narcotic pain meds, and then i cave to the IV, and then i realize all over again why i don’t want narcotic pain medication. it makes me feel all loopy in the head, but barely alleviates the pain. the pressure from this mass is enough in itself to keep me in the fetal position. i understand that it’s pain management, but this is totally ridic.
doing some editing work for S…..glad she thought of me. we are having a little thanksgiving of the widowed and/or single by some blunt force of life. mine’s pretty lame, so i don’t really count it, but Digger likes to bring up the whole “we saw your girlfriend making out with another woman at the democratic national convention right behind hilary’s head” and he says it so quickly…..one day, i might pop him in the nose. blurgh. whatever. i don’t care. i feel fortunate not to have lost a significant other the way S or KK has.
babble babble babble. it just hurts so much. and i’m normally all about being alone, but really, for once, i just really don’t want to be alone.
le sigh.
“just answer the question, ms. watson.” i love perry mason.
this is not a random poll. i mean, it kind of is. but it is useful.
so……thanks for responding.
my biological clock is on greenwich time.
today’s dish: uber-garlicky escarole in a chicken broth, minus the chicken, because C-Bear is a vegetarian and also sicky poo.
today’s song: She’s Mine- Brett Dennen
things can be really awkward with W-Bette, but last night was pretty cool. the above song is something she was dying to introduce me too, and man……i sometimes lose sight of how we ever were so connected, and music was a huge part of that.
ANYway, last night we had a ladies night at D’s. i thought it was just going to be me, D and A rearranging D’s bedroom, but there were a lot of ladies, it was fun. drank a lot of wine, smoked a little greenage, talked about a lot of things. i asked H how much she would sell her youngest child for, and she countered with an offer for me to babysit anytime! so excited. so awkward though, i feel like my biological clock has an alarm set and i keep hitting the snooze button….i must be realistic about these things, though:
a) i am not in a stable relationship. i’m just not in a relationship. there’s whatever with A, but man, she just doesn’t take the whole “i don’t want to be with you” well at all. it’s as if she’s ignoring it?
b) i live with someone who is particular about the company i keep. roomie keeps telling me that i should be with my muffin, but i think he just doesn’t like the whole thing with A. i’m sure of it. he adores muffin though, that’s nice. who wouldn’t? she’s such a lovely person. anyway, i never thought roomie would ever ask me NOT to date someone…..it’s strange.
c) i just need to stop talking about this and continue on last night.
C-Bear has a cold, so i’m cooking up some soup and driving out the dalton way to bring her some soupy goodness. when we were at brix last night, she, me and Tits Magee were reading D’s butchering book. C-Bear said she was all about butchering her cluckers post-egg-making-abilities, but she’s a veg-head. so i guess she would have to sell local. gotta teach her how to pluck a cluck.
what else….yeah, last night was a lot of red wine, cheese, crackers, um, i think D and A thought W-Bette and i were getting intimate in the bathroom. awkward. we weren’t, we were just conversing. it’s really sad that in certain light, people can only see her as my ex, and not as a really great friend. yeah, we have our differences and whatnot, but hell. if she needs to talk, i’m there. if i need to talk, she’s there. i shouldn’t have to explain myself to anyone else, though i ended up doing so as i spoke with D in the loo, as well. i will always love my W-Bette, and nobody should find that to be upsetting.
that’s my rant for now.
dirty dishes, broken smiles.
today’s dish: breaded chicken with sweet pepper relish and cheddar jack on a bed of arroz primavera
today’s song: Waiting- The Justin Allen Trio (www.myspace.com/justinallentrio)
couldn’t include an mp3 link for this song, because you should REALLY buy “dive in deep.”
…..and the start of another hectic day.
last night, on the verge of passing out from exhaustion, the roomie and PM, another friend, entered the domicile in a loud fashion. roomie’s brother, G, was already in the house, but joined in the loud carousing. awesome. shortly thereafter, my friend D showed up, and there was cooking, the TV was on, and i had to get out into the common space. our walls are paper thin. my bedroom door is paper thin. my patience is paper thin.
needless to say, i wasn’t back in bed until 5 or so a.m. one guest was too warm, so he turned on the air conditioner- i was frozen solid when i awoke to more loud voices later in the day. TV blaring, i walk into the living room where i see PM, JA, J, G, roomie, and his other brother, R. they’re spitting the normal convo, so i move into the kitchen to make coffee. there is a pile of dishes in the sink. regardless, i start to make myself some eggs.
the men diseperse slowly, and as roomie starts to leave, he says
baby girl, take care of those dishes inthe sink, clean this up a little
seriously?! seriously! fuck you. i wasn’t up cooking in the early morning hours. he had even reprimanded me during the whole shebang in that time about how i don’t wash the dishes the proper way. now, though, since he didn’t want to clean up the bowls and plates and ots and pans and silver, it didn’t matter. it will probably matter later when he decides i didn’t wash them properly again.
so, the boys left, and A called. she wanted to stop by and see me. mind you, she and roomie have a history. roomie does not want to see her around me, especially not in our apartment, even though he claims he has no feelings for her, but, she’s
a friend, baby girl, but you gotta understand- if i keep seeing her around i’ll be feelin’ ill.
A stops by, I pour her some coffee and we sit on the love seat. we are talking for maybe five or so minutes when i hear keys in the door. she was already chugging her coffee. “well, thanks for the coffee,” she said, stubbing out her cigarette.
this is shit. really?? i can’t be friends with someone my roommate was intimate with? it isn’t like they were serious or anything….he even said that he was the one who stopped calling her and started pushing her away. what the hell?
after A left, roomie gave me another lecture on her.
she got her own apartment, why you can’t hang out over there?
i explained that she was stopping over to check on me in between leaving work and heading to another job. he was still tripping about the whole thing, so i made him some coffee and a piece of toasted pannetone. then…i came and laid down in my room. he and G are still rapping about bullshit in the kitchen. amazing.
i am actually kind of glad to have IV therapy. no one i know will be there. not really sure whether that should be such a comforting fact, or it should make me feel even more alone. maybe it doesn’t matter. i’m not trying to get all deep or anything, it just feels like there is way too much fucking conflict in my life that is not mine. i do not own it, it does not belong to me, it’s not my drama- i hate drama that isn’t on stage or screen, but i guess that makes a majority of the people who roll through here…….actors.
