love in the hour.
today’s dish: a bowl of chocolate ice cream.
today’s song: I Go All To Pieces- Ray Lamontagne
i know the dish is bland, but the song is excellent. needed something cold and soft against my throat.
before i get into the crazy of this post, i just want to say that having j-stone here earlier was awesome- such a good friend. love that boy forever.
i just got back from the emergency room a little while ago…..it’s pretty disturbing. generally, i would really rather prefer going to any sort of doctor by myself- a lot of people get emotional when it comes to things like this. that just makes me feel more like crap, because now there’s someone crying and i’m attached to an IV so i can’t console them nor can i run away screaming. tonight, i was alone in the ER, and i didn’t actually want to be.
maybe it’s because of the pain? i don’t like being around people when i’m feeling under the weather….sort of like dogs get. don’t touch me, don’t look at me. sometimes it’s good though. sunday night, i was feeling pretty ouchariffic, but i still went to merry happy’s apartment to make burracos with her and j. it was easy to conceal the pain, as we were packed like sardines on the couch, but standing up in the kitchen, i could feel the color drain from my face. this is the strange part-
so, standing up for more than ten minutes goes over my pain threshold. muffin had come in the door and we stood around the kitchen some more. however- when muffin hugged me, it felt like i was in a lot less pain. in a fit of delirium, i thought it was some weird negative energy transfer, and when she said she had felt migrainey and it seemed to be getting worse, i felt terrible. deliriously terrible. but i noticed it again when merry happy and i were sitting on the couch later, as well. the hugging meant less pain.
it is difficult to discuss this right now, as the pain is significantly greater, and my lymph nodes are swollen as all get out. i keep telling them i don’t want narcotic pain meds, and then i cave to the IV, and then i realize all over again why i don’t want narcotic pain medication. it makes me feel all loopy in the head, but barely alleviates the pain. the pressure from this mass is enough in itself to keep me in the fetal position. i understand that it’s pain management, but this is totally ridic.
doing some editing work for S…..glad she thought of me. we are having a little thanksgiving of the widowed and/or single by some blunt force of life. mine’s pretty lame, so i don’t really count it, but Digger likes to bring up the whole “we saw your girlfriend making out with another woman at the democratic national convention right behind hilary’s head” and he says it so quickly…..one day, i might pop him in the nose. blurgh. whatever. i don’t care. i feel fortunate not to have lost a significant other the way S or KK has.
babble babble babble. it just hurts so much. and i’m normally all about being alone, but really, for once, i just really don’t want to be alone.
le sigh.
